World Mental Health Day

In lieu of World Mental Health Day, I’ve decided to share my story. I’ve held everything back for so long, throwing up walls and shutting people out. My story is one of loss and heartache and darkness, but also one of light and liberation and love for myself, and those around me. My name is Ella, and this is my story.

I grew up in a stable household, with two loving parents, two annoying (but amazing nonetheless) brothers, a strong faith in God, and a group of friends who have loved me to death. I thought I had everything going for me. I had a great home life, plenty of talents, a role in the church, and I made good grades in school. I felt like I was on top of the world.

Then, puberty hit. The hormones washed over me like a tidal wave, and I realized things were not as good as I thought. I struggled with my body image and how I viewed myself. I believed the lies the world fed us through magazines and movies. I became closed off and cruel to others. I forgot the values I grew up with, and I forgot how to love people. I started fighting a secret battle in my mind.

I was managing, just getting by. Then, I experienced my first loss. My aunt Nannie died at the age of 93, and I was devastated. Adding the experience of losing a family member for the first time, and seeing how my family reacted to her death, I shut down.

I decided to keep how I was feeling to myself, locking it away until I was alone. I found solace in music and books, but it didn’t heal the mental and physical wounds I had sustained. I closed myself off to my family and friends, my teammates. No one needed to know how I was feeling, because I felt that no one would care, no one would listen, and that I would be made fun of and viewed as a lesser human being because of how I thought. I felt like I had failed my family and my peers.

Each fall, I could feel the storm coming, and there was nothing I could do. It started in the cavity of my chest, a deep, panicky feeling. As the days slowly got shorter and darker and colder, I felt the darkness and panic move up into my throat. I panicked because I felt the hurricane coming, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I confused the people closest to me when one day I was completely fine, laughing and smiling, then the next day, I wouldn’t leave my bed and I completely disassociated. I felt that I had reached the end, and there was nowhere to go from here. I felt dark, empty, and forgotten by the world.

In January, I finally reached out for help. I had a breakdown and told my parents everything I had hidden from them. It was hard to tell them everything I had done because I never meant to hurt them. They were patient with me and showed me the type of love I had forgotten in the darkness. My parents got me int contact with a therapist and I’ve been going for a couple of months since then. I’ve learned coping methods and learned how to communicate how I’m feeling with my parents.

My healing process has been a long and hard road. Every day brings something new, and I know that each day I am one step closer to making it through the storm. I am slowly regaining the confidence and love of myself I used to have, and now I work very hard to love and be empathetic towards others.

My hurt reached a point where I felt like I wouldn’t be able to live another day. I now know that even if I hurt, I can face the day with bravery and have the support of those around me. If you are feeling lost, confused, hurt, or empty, please don’t be afraid to reach out to someone. Find a friend, a relative, a parent, an adult. I know it seems like they won’t love you for how you’re feeling, but out of all the lies I told myself, that one was the biggest. The love that my family and friends have poured out onto me has left me at a loss for words.

You are loved. You are needed. Tomorrow won’t be the same without you. I swear that you can fight the darkness that depression brings, and that depression only has as much power over you as you let it. Lastly, thank you for listening to my story. Sharing this has liberated a part of me I have held onto for so long.

World Mental Health Day has taught me this. Everyone has a story, and everyone has a fighting chance to win their war. You have friends and allies, and all you have to do is reach out for help. I’m going to leave some websites and hotlines below, in case you need them.

Hotlines & Websites:

Suicide Hotline online chat: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Alcohol and Drug Abuse Hotline: (800) 729-6686

Domestic Abuse Hotline: (800) 799-7233

Rape, Sexual Assult, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN): (800) 656-HOPE

Eating Disorders Awareness and Prevention: (800) 931-2237

National Hotline for Missing and Exploited Children: (800) 843-5678

If you just need someone to talk to: warmline.org

You can also reach out to any adult, counselor, or social worker at this school. I have, and they’re amazing.